I had an interview with my Bishop yesterday. In it he said that I should have a better opinion of myself and go out and date more. Which I guess is true. I should. But how much do I want it to work? If you asked I'd say "a lot." But I don't know if my heart is in it. If I can rise above the fear. I'm not the 6 foot football, prom king guy. And even if that isn't "all" that matters, it's what people pay attention to. I'll admit I fall into the trap as well. It's why when we have discussions on this Mummy always says something about blonde hair. That stuff is very distracting. But in my defense the 2 people I've liked the most had way more in common than gold colored hair follicles. I fell for their personalities just as hard as what they looked like.
What kind of push and faith is it going to take to lift me out of this? I usually keep my mouth shut on issues that involve dating. But I broke my first rule on that today at FHE. No, I didn't ask anyone out on a date. I learned THAT lesson about 2 years ago. I'm good thanks. But we were taking things away that didn't mean as much to us. There was "a beautiful spouse" and about 4 Gospel centered things. So obviously I said to take that one out of the running. All fine and good, but then stupidly, just like me, I added something about probably not getting one anyway so who cares. There was some kind of an uproar of "that's not true etc etc" That's a nice thought, but my "actual reality" versus the "virtual reality" put forward with a large stigma gap in my looking glass self says that it is true. My head knew that I shouldn't say it, but I almost felt like I was being influenced to say it. I'm so used to thinking that way over the last quarter century, I can't at this moment fathom that anyone else would think differently. Sure Bishop Byerly seems to think so, but he is a 40 something year old man, not an attractive young lady. At this point I don't know if the aforementioned outcry was sincere, but I can't really imagine it was. It is what you're supposed to say. And besides imagine what they'd think if I actually asked one of 'em out on a date. If that wasn't such a scary thought it would be an interesting experiment. Oh, God what do you want me to do, and how do you expect me to do it?
