The 'vegetable' from Hell

I hate mushrooms. This dislike comes from several different meanings that I have attached to mushrooms. Number one is an awareness that in relation to mushrooms you can’t ask the age old question, “Animal, vegetable, or mineral?” The answer is none of the above. Mushrooms are a type of fungus. Why did anyone even try to eat that? Breaking down the other groups we have animals, plants, and rocks. The animals commonly eaten in Western society are either herbivores like cows and sheep, mixed in with birds like chickens or ducks that are mostly herbivorous while eating some insects. Vegetables and fruits make food from photosynthesis and nutrients from soil. Of course except for salt we usually don’t eat rocks. Then there are mushrooms and other fungi. They ‘feed’ on organic matter like rotting logs, leaf litter, and some species decompose flesh. In other words they eat old dead things. Eating something that was consuming rotting material is definitely not appetizing.
So-called ‘edible’ mushrooms are white. Granted so is cod and haddock, vanilla ice cream, mashed potatoes and milk. But mushrooms are more of a white that reminds me of the pallor of a dead person. They mostly are grown in the dark away from the sun like normal food. Let’s face it carrots, apples, and all ingredients in cheeseburgers need the sun to be raised. Mushrooms could be grown in the depths of Hell if Satan wanted to start up agriculture. Barring the fossil record I have often wondered if mushrooms were put on the earth after the Fall of Adam and Eve to torment man. As nothing died in the Garden of Eden there was no need for decomposers right? Right! Therefore mushrooms are from the Devil.
I have eaten a mushroom before. Well, sort of. In reality I put the mushroom in my mouth. Then the formerly lowly fungi went airborne as I spit it all the way across the dining room. Needless to say my dad was not amused. But I still refused to eat any of the other ones that were on my plate. Grandma saved me by saying I didn’t have to finish them as long as I ate all the steak. Now that is a good trade. When mushrooms are cooked they become very slimy, a warm slug. I don’t think that food should slither down your throat or between your teeth either. Another facet of their texture is the fact that besides the slug like quality they don’t need to be chewed. You press your tongue against a mushroom and it completely disintegrates. That’s what it gets from feeding on decomposing wood. I like food and so I would rather it crunched and gave some resistance to pressure when consumed.
As I have shown mushrooms are unfit for human consumption. If beetles and mice want to eat them then they can go ahead, but higher forms of life have no reason to place them on the menu.