Spina Bifida and Depression

It has taken me a long time to write this note. The subject matter in very personal and I have never asked for pity from anyone. I still don't want it, but I have learned that by talking about this I may be able to help others.

Spina Bifida is a developmental birth defect where the vertebrae do not close completely over the spinal chord. Having an exposed spinal column damages the nerves and can cause various degrees of paralysis. I feel very lucky that I am able to walk with nothing but a slight limp to show for it. There are other problems that arise from it and I have been in the hospital more times than I wish I would be, but otherwise I am as healthy as anyone else.

As I was growing up I thought I was just quiet and shy. To some degree that is true. I was a teenager before I heard about depression. I have to admit that depression is harder for me to deal with than the physical side of spina bifida. As far as I know I have only told 3 people and only discussed it with 1 in my whole life. In high school I learned how to smile until my jaw hurt, while what I really wanted to do was bang my head against the wall. At best, on a good (ha!) day. For years when I would see someone I knew I would stare at the ground and try and hide. I would be skreaming in my head just to say something, anything, but usually it didn't work. Luckily somebody usually said something to me, and so I wasn't rude I would answer them. I still didn't think I was good enough to know their names, especially the girls I've known (the most common phrase my mother heard out of my mouth was, "She won't go away. She talks to me everyday. Why? No, she does NOT like me."), but it did help.

Everyone is blessed with some talent. Find out what it is and practice and improve it. When I am asked what music I listen to I usually reply something along the lines of, "Anything from Mozart to Metallica." I love listening and, when I am by myself, pretending to perform it. It doesn't matter what you do, find it and develop a talent.

Another thing you can do is find a cause that you believe in. I'll freely admit I am religious. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an organization I strongly believe in and am proud to be a part of. My belief in a living Savior has done more for me than I can express here.

I am very grateful to my friends and family for all their support even when I didn't tell them all that was going through my mind. It has taken me my whole life to use the word friend. I usually just said, "Yeah, I know them." because I didn't think anyone would want to be my friend. Apparently they did. I'm glad of that.

Allusions from TED

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6DFm2H/www.ted.com/talks/al_seckel_says_our_brains_are_mis_wired.html

Allusions!

Bye Byu BYU-I, Hi Hi to ISU

I graduated from BYU-Idaho! That was about a month ago. I am still in Rexburg. I just can't leave Rexburg yet. Tear. BYU-Idaho was a great experience. I learned a lot. Of course this was the place where I discovered my LOVE for the Social Sciences. When I graduated from ESHS (El Segundo High School) I was sure I would become a vet. I love animals- cats, dogs, horses, . . . snakes et cetera. And I like macro-biology, and had read all of the James Herriot books, but I quickly decided that microbiology and the idea of memorizing anatomy was not my strong suit. I'll just have a dog as a pet, and leave the healing of said canine to someone else. Next in rapid succession went history and communications. I like studying history, but I got tired of getting asked, "What do you plan on doing with THAT!" (Hence the reason I never tried English-my favorite subject in public school.) Communications was a disaster because after a semester or two of that I didn't want to go to class anymore. Then Providence waltzed in and I took a sociology class. Now that is what I call fun. So I became a Sociology Major. The last two years since then have flown by. My favorite part was theory. I simply ate up everything I could learn about Conflict, Symbolic Interaction, Functionalism, Rational Choice Theory, Grand Theory, Marx (Yes the Communist, no I don't agree with everything he said.), Weber, Blumer, Durkheim, Mead etc.

BYU-Idaho's favorite subject is marriage. That is why one of its many nicknames is BYU-I Do. Although I am not married and didn't even attain the goal of getting a girlfriend before I graduated, I did start the process of dating here. The first couple times I called a girl up for a date I had to have a roommate standing there to make sure I didn't hang up the phone and hide. I think my saving grace was the unspoken rule that most of the female population of BYU-I will go on one date with a guy unless they are afraid for their personal safety. That made the process easier. I didn't get my head bitten off . . . not too many times at least. Now I can comfortably ask young ladies out on dates, and normal conversations are no problem. Don't worry, ladies of Pocatello, you'll have your chance.

I learned how to drive. I have a license and a car. I can also drive in snow. Imagine that. I'm originally from Los Angeles and I know how to comfortably drive in snow.

I like small towns with country surrounding them TONS more than the huge expanse called LA.

The Professors up here are the best! I love them! I will miss Rexburg!

But there is Pocatello in the Fall and I am excited to see what it has to offer.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

The fun times of detox.

So I am on anti-depressants.
usually.
Right now I don't have any meds and no money to get more. So instead of being my normal, fake-happy, quiet person I am kind of . . . I don't know how to explain it. I actually swore at my roommate yesterday. I'm not so withdrawal-ly that I didn't apologize. But it still isn't my responsibility to answer your phone when your mother is calling. I don't care if you are on your computer doing homework.
Then of course there is the oh so fun experience of listening to "My Immortal" over and over.
and over . . .
Evanescence is a good band, but I really could do without the flashbacks. Goodbye Jenny. No, you don't have all of me anymore, whether I wanted to hold your hand through all of those years.
Some things are interesting to note though. Even without my pills I am not as miserable as I used to be. So that is good.

It's been a while

GRRRRR! Why are the 2 females that are easiest to talk to my roommates girlfriend and my other friend who has a boyfriend? Couldn't one that was available cause less of a hang up in the talking department? Ok, that is all.