Spina Bifida and Depression

It has taken me a long time to write this note. The subject matter in very personal and I have never asked for pity from anyone. I still don't want it, but I have learned that by talking about this I may be able to help others.

Spina Bifida is a developmental birth defect where the vertebrae do not close completely over the spinal chord. Having an exposed spinal column damages the nerves and can cause various degrees of paralysis. I feel very lucky that I am able to walk with nothing but a slight limp to show for it. There are other problems that arise from it and I have been in the hospital more times than I wish I would be, but otherwise I am as healthy as anyone else.

As I was growing up I thought I was just quiet and shy. To some degree that is true. I was a teenager before I heard about depression. I have to admit that depression is harder for me to deal with than the physical side of spina bifida. As far as I know I have only told 3 people and only discussed it with 1 in my whole life. In high school I learned how to smile until my jaw hurt, while what I really wanted to do was bang my head against the wall. At best, on a good (ha!) day. For years when I would see someone I knew I would stare at the ground and try and hide. I would be skreaming in my head just to say something, anything, but usually it didn't work. Luckily somebody usually said something to me, and so I wasn't rude I would answer them. I still didn't think I was good enough to know their names, especially the girls I've known (the most common phrase my mother heard out of my mouth was, "She won't go away. She talks to me everyday. Why? No, she does NOT like me."), but it did help.

Everyone is blessed with some talent. Find out what it is and practice and improve it. When I am asked what music I listen to I usually reply something along the lines of, "Anything from Mozart to Metallica." I love listening and, when I am by myself, pretending to perform it. It doesn't matter what you do, find it and develop a talent.

Another thing you can do is find a cause that you believe in. I'll freely admit I am religious. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an organization I strongly believe in and am proud to be a part of. My belief in a living Savior has done more for me than I can express here.

I am very grateful to my friends and family for all their support even when I didn't tell them all that was going through my mind. It has taken me my whole life to use the word friend. I usually just said, "Yeah, I know them." because I didn't think anyone would want to be my friend. Apparently they did. I'm glad of that.