A friend's response to "Worried"- originally a private message on Facebook

Hey Steven! First off im sorry for my delay in posting -- i am so bad at responding timely. I'm gonna write my reply in a few messages because I too am an over-sharer and can't stop myself when I've started writing haha

Thanks for sharing that with me. I resonated with a lot of what you said. Especially the part about having a "happy" memory of when you were feeling suicidal or depressed. I think we feel that way because it is a familiar feeling, and a memory of a time when we felt completely in control of ourselves. Even if it was for a sad reason, we felt in control. That's my hypothesis for how memories of previous low times seem "happy."

Also, hindsight and nostalgia can be dirty, cheating, lying scoundrels, and withhold the negative feelings and consequences from our memory. smile emoticon

I also resonated with what you said about how writing your feelings to the band members relieved your feeling, when scripture study and/or preparing for a talk only provided temporary comfort. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. On the contrary, I think that is how things are designed. While the scriptures are the word of God and the Holy Ghost is always with us when we are honestly searching for answers, it is difficult to find relief in them when the nature of your hurting is loneliness and feeling singular, or like an anomaly. Especially loneliness on your deepest level. Like me -- sometimes I feel like I am completely alone in the universe, like even though there are so many people around me who I know care about me, I feel like I'm a "different breed" of sorts, that I can never be able to have anyone else "speak my language" or truly understand how I feel. does that make sense?

So when you wrote to the members of the band saying how grateful you were for their music and for telling you that you belonged at their show and in their "group", that is a way of connecting, in the physical sense, with others. It's a reminder to yourself that you are NOT alone and that you DO belong and that YES other people see you and hear you and care about you and YES you are worthy of belonging somewhere

I do the same thing. Music has been my lifesaving floatie device for my whole life. The same with art and with books, but especially with music (and films) -- because there is a really tangible feeling of atmosphere and environment with a song or a movie, so you can be engulfed in it

That's why God gave us the ability to create -- because our creations can bring us together and teach us about different things. Music of ANY kind -- even my favorite Third Eye Blind or Bruce Springsteen or LA punk bands of the 80s -- are created in the image of God because that person put a part of their soul into their music and shared it with the world. Ya know? So maybe its just me, but I see music and films (and books and art and dance etc) as an extension of "scripture". Like they're witnesses to the fact that we each have souls and we each have talents and people who create ANYTHING - no matter what it is - are doing so in an effort to extend their feeling outside of themselves in an effort to connect to another.

Sidenote: I had a professor at SVU (he was the head of the English dept) who taught a literature & film class over one summer that I took. Just about everyone at SVU is Mormon. On the syllabus were some Rated R movies. No one in the class had a problem with it, but the professor explained why it was important -- He said that there are some films, music, books, works of art, that are essential to connect to, even though they are "Rated R" or contain violence or language etc. etc. He said that, if a work of art is produced in truth, and the intent of the art (book, song, film, etc) is to describe something true about humanity in sincerity, then we should like Joseph Smith said, "seek after those things." Because they teach us about ourselves and our brothers and sisters

All this to say -- I completely understand. Or at least I think I do. I am the same way. That's why I'm trying to write things (and also do some short films) that attempt to express these feelings that we feel, that are so difficult to articulate but are so essential to existing. Ya know?

I call this feeling that I feel "internal dissonance". I made up that phrase but I think it makes sense to me, especially being LDS. Because I know that I am a combination of a body and a spirit, I know that the body is the stuff of the physical world (subject to its laws), and the spirit is the stuff of the spiritual world (subject to its laws). But in my experience in this physical life, I feel like there's a dissonance, or some sort of non-harmony, between the two. Like, I know that I'm a divine being made in Gods image and that I have divine potential etc etc. But my physical body is susceptible (by design) to experience life - and thus define my identity or "who i am" - through the lens of depression, panic, anxiety, etc. My brain has a hard time determining between what's real and what's imaginary sometimes. So.....where does that leave me?

I've only been receiving treatment for the disorders that I have for a year, so I am learning so much about how many people experience a similar life experience. And my deepest desire, I guess, is to connect with those people and say that YOURE NOT ALONE and YOU BELONG HERE and ITS OKAY TO FEEL DISSONANT and YOU ARE HERE FOR A PURPOSE..........and also to have the right words or images to throw out into the world like our favorite bands did, so that when I am depressed or low or questioning the point of it all, other people can reach back to me and say, "I heard/read what you created...and I understand, too."

I hope this makes sense. XD

Going back to the scriptures --- during a period in my depression, I lost the "ability" to write well, which had been a lifeline for me when I was growing up. And it was so frustrating for me to not be able to write my thoughts down. So i went to the scriptures too, since you cant go wrong. And I read in Moroni, towards the end, as Moroni starts kind of writing about himself and his experience. And I read that Moroni wrote that he felt that he struggled with his writing abilities, that he felt that he wasn't conveying the words and the stories and God's word in the best way, because he didn't feel like a good writer. But he writes that he had faith that God was helping him write, and that what he had written and compiled was true, and that he hoped that it would reach the audience God intended and that they would be able to understand the true meaning in the words he had written.

and i was totally floored. I mean, I went to Seminary just like you did with Papa Gerry (the best of teachers) and Ive read Moroni over and over, but I never really picked up on Moroni as a PERSON, and his experience. And how I could relate in very real ways to that. He was completely isolated and alone. Everyone he cared about was gone, and his whole culture was gone, and he couldnt do anything about. He writes that he feels helpless about the way the Lamanites are, even though he has faith in God. He is given the task by God and his real father to take care of the plates, to abridge them and to write them. For some future people that he couldnt even fathom. Holy crap. What a situation to be in. And it made me feel comforted that Moroni, alone in the wilderness with this huge task and trying to abridge and translate an entire record of a people who had been wiped off the face of the Earth...in different languages and ways of speaking...and he writes at the end that he felt totally insecure that we was gonna screw it all up because he was a bad writer and he didnt know "why." Why him?

But of course we know now how completely essential Moroni was, as an individual man, in the salvation of millions of people, and in the fulfillment of Gods plan. He himself showed Joseph Smith where the plates were -- author to author, he handed them down just like Moronis father did to him. He's on the steeple of each of our temples. He is Gods messenger. Thats who he is spiritually, eternally. But during his mortal life, in his physical body, he felt unsure about his capabilities and was completely alone and had no one to relate to.

So of course, I dont think I am destined to be as integral to "The Plan" as Moroni was. But it made me feel like, through Moroni, God gave us an example that its okay to feel inadequate or singular or like an alien, its okay to completely not understand "the why". Its okay to have physical experiences that would suggest that you're different than what your spirit is. Because I think that God wanted each of us to have this experience of mental illness/mood disorder/loneliness/existential alienation for ourselves, so that we can combine that very intimate and particular experience with whatever we are & always have been in the spirit world, because it was not possible for us to know and understand these very deep feelings when we were in the presence of God. Right? We never felt alone, misunderstood, pointless, unable, self-hatred, "mental noise". Because we knew what God knew. But, in order for us to truly know the gravity of "immortality and eternal life", we had to know for ourselves what it felt like to be a wretch in need of saving. At least, thats the best hypothesis I can come up with now that makes sense to me.

ANYWAYS...........I'll stop blowing up your Facebook chats now. But I will keep you in the loop, of course, about my project thing. And when I finally figure out the best way to introduce the experiences of other people, I'd love to have your input.

Thank you for always being so kind to me.

OK last sidenote -- have you kept up with Andrew WK? He's the bomb and has awesome musings about being a human.

OK SECOND FINAL SIDENOTE: Those band members who you met and thanked, who told you that you did belong and listened to you, were acting like Christ. No matter if theyre in a pop punk band. They lent an ear and part of themselves to you, and thats exactly what Christ wants us to do. So......I think that counts as spiritual. LOL